Happy Face

The thing is, of all of them, and i don't know why exactly, but out of them all, when i get the note from Todd C, and he's waxing nostalgic about the good ol' days, I feel responsible. Like it's my DUTY to do something. To get back to work. To get something done. Out there. I can't explain why. I've never met Todd C. Sure, we've shared music files over the internet. It was even a Mac/PC swap. But if he walked up to me on the street, would i say, "Oh Shit! That's Todd C!" Na. I'd probably be like, "this dude better step left, and ON THE QUICK."

So I just wanna say, Man. It's not that a wouldn'ta. I even had a holiday plan for a sneak update. a surprise show. But there's been trouble up there in middletown. There were problems you see. It all started the day i thought it would be a great idea to buy myself a printer. (ha ha)

Long story short, there's Photoshop Problems. There's Dreamweaver Problems. And those are two PRETTY IMPORTANT bits of software in this line of work, for me. Yes. I know code. Yes, i have other FTP clients i can use. There are WAYS of making it happen, but the key to this, this, peaking in from premature retirement is convenience. And work-arounds are not convenient. So some days i sit down with the steam and the juice and i'm ready to put it out there, and those little issues put on the skids. And I press Command+Option+Delete and walk away from the machine in disgust. Occasionally, i'll snicker to myself as i'm passing the full length mirror on the hall closet door, and i'll say to myself "...and then i died." and then i'll lumber into the bedroom, and i'll get in the bed. And that's my story.

Tonight is one of those nights. I even opened the hall closet and started rooting through the liquor box full of CD's to see if i have my old install disks in there for the dreamweaver. I didn't find them, but i DID find that picture up top. That's me with my "Happy Face" on. I'm on my never ending HUNT for Ludwig Mims. We're heading east on Highway 62, hellbent on Joshua Tree and FINDING the elusive Ludwig Mims.

Today another todd asked me, "hey. Where's Happy Dan? We haven't seen Happy Dan in a while. We miss Happy Dan. We like Happy Dan."

I didn't think too long about it. I said, "He ain't HERE. Try being me. Trying being Dan. Dan misses Happy Dan too."

No. it's not a pity party. It's just... It just is.

People tell me they love me. I get that i'm "smart". Sure. I'm fucking awesome. But when you're not feeling it when the clock wakes you in the morning, and it just keeps going like that, then all the other stuff is just dumb.

You ever feel that way?
Sure you do.
Everybody does. That's LIFE. That's The Way It Goes.

Dumbasses are always telling me, "that's so you'll APPRECIATE the good times."

Sure. But between you and me, when it's good times, I appreciate them anyway. And to be honest, I'd appreciate them if that's all i had was good times. I've had bad times, and they're harder to forget than the good times. I bet i've had enough bad times to remember them for a long enough time that if starting right this very now, I WOULD STILL APPRECIATE THE GOOD TIMES, Even if they just kept coming.

Others would say, "well. that's what you always wanted. The Big Ups, and The Big Downs." That's true. I'm living the dream. This is why the folks who hear my voice often hear it say, "Careful what you wish for." I think the first time i had a comment about that was when i was in the 8th Grade, and kate lally answered this teacher's question about, "if you could have anything you wanted in the world right now, what would it be?" and her answer, as a disaffected apathetic punk rock teen from 1983 SHOULD answer, was, "All I want is a Chicken Sandwich."

I'm 36 years old, and that answer STILL pisses me off. I mean, WHAT IF? Just for argument, let's say she got the chicken sandwich? Man. What 8th Grader's only worldly wish is a chicken sandwich? Come on.

The point is, I think about you all too. I think, "Here i've created this thing. This existence outside of me. Bigger than me. And folks expect it to be there. And the reason they expect it to be there, is because I SAID it would be there." So, it's my obligation to PUT IT THERE. And sure. I will. But there's other stuff clogging the nose holes at the moment, which are taking DIBS on my time.

So rest easy. And Todd? Thanks again.

and therein, lies your hope.


Listening to Lemonheads | it's 35˚, and I'm living in Trinidad, Brooklyn.