forced to smile

You know, i was on a little roll there. I had this idea about a post i'd like to make, about looking at the "bright side" and when i went to log in to my blogger account, it FORCED me to "upgrade" to the new "google" version. I tell you, i don't like being forced to do anything on someone else's terms. I mean, I liked the way the old blogger worked, plenty. It worked for me. Now, let's just see what happens, like how much new spam i get for "playing along" with the big boys. I mean, YES i'm complaining, and NO, i shouldn't complain, because ultimately it's still a free service, and i guess i could always go back to those little pop-ups i used to do back in the day if i don't like the new deal, but the point is, with going over the terms of service, and then having certain elements of my log in rejected like 5 times, i sort of lost my train of thought. The train that brought me to my desk at 2:30 in the morning to write it down.

What i had wanted to do was post that picture of my living room, which started out as a joke, right? because i'm in a first floor apartment with 10 windows that never, under any circumstances get any sunlight through them. I mean, One time there was a reflection from the building across the way, and the sun bounced off and came through one of the kitchen windows, and it looked like sunlight enough that i ran for my camera, so i could always savor the moment when i thought there was actually sun inside my apartment, but tonight i thought it would be funny to put sun in each of the rooms, and be fucking obvious about it. It was a great source of amusement for me for a while, and i thought i would share that moment with you all, because i'm on the brink of some full time sunlight. Not the Photoshop variety that you find in the RENDER pulldowns, but the real deal. The golden sun blazing through the windows, everywhere I look.

I'm going to move back home to Northern California in the next few weeks, and I imagine that's going to change the way i do things for a while.

You see? When i first moved here, my friends always said, "Listen. You move to New York, and if you don't like it, Northern California will still be here. You can always come home when you want to, but you gotta get out there and see what there is to see."

They were right. Northern California is still there, and i'm glad i got to see the things there were to see. Over the next few weeks, i might just take a look back over the things i saw, just to kind of shake 'em loose, but i'm really looking forward to getting back to the sunshine and golden hills that make me happy to my core just thinking about them.

I learned over my years here that i'm just not a New Yorker. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's just as love/hate for me as it is for anyone. I love this city in so many ways. The summers, the winters, the springs and falls. Yes I Do. I'm glad i learned that. I was never one of those kids who wanted to live in New York growing up. In fact, growing up, i vowed I would never live here. ( A lesson in making vows has been learned ) But i'm glad i did. I'm glad i lived in all of the places i've had, and i'm glad i met all the people I have while i was here. It's been some of the best parts of my young adult life, and I'm going to have a million stories to write about when i finally sit down and try to make sense of it all. It's just that, I don't ever want to be one of those assholes who has to stomp people out, in the interest of making more money, or making myself look better to other people who are making money. I like people. I like working hard, and i like the integrity that comes with being honest and committed to something, but the gray hairs in my beard aren't from any of those things. They're a little bit to do with getting older, and an awful lot to do with working for people who believe it's right to stomp a mudhole in the ass of the little people who are busting their asses to make the "brass" a little richer. I don't care for it. It's not my style, and it's not a style I ever want to develop. In this town, it seems you can't really have one without the other, or at least, that's been my observation. People are here to prove something. And to hopefully make something of themselves while they're here taking the big test.

For that? Yea. I'm grateful. I mean, without New York, there would have never been a danconnortown at all. Every single bit of danconnortown was born and raised right here in New York City, and I'm glad it was. It's been a great few chapters with all the trimmings, nights in the hospital, nights in jail, even nights in the ruts. I had a taste of the good life and the low life while i was here, and one thing i can say for absolute certain, New York City is THE MOST FUN when you have a pocket full of cash. A couple pockets full is really ideal, and the supreme is if you've got a couple pockets full, and then a big ol' BANK full of cash just around the corner, at any given moment.

I'll never understand how or why people do it on the super-poor style, it's just too damned difficult if you ask me. When life becomes difficult and the difficulty is based on dollar bills? Na. I'd rather live somewhere else. That's kind of what's happening to me. I mean, i can afford to keep doing this. I can afford to keep slogging away at the demons that hold me here, but when i sit down and ask myself why, or what for, or what i'm trying to prove, I've got nothing. I like redwood trees. I like The Pacific Ocean. I like Yosemite National Park, and I love little northern california towns. I like the accents of the people there, and I love the smell of the air, the color of the sky, the mindsets of the masses, and the soothing "dry heat" that you just simply cannot have here east of the Mississippi.

That's what makes it easy for me to say, "welp dTown. Have you had enough? Are you ready to pack your bag and head on back home?" and even easier to answer, "why yes. Yes dTown, i believe i've had enough. I've managed to stop smoking for long enough that it shouldn't be a hassle for me to fit back in to the old, more relaxed way of life, and i've learned enough things about living in the fast lane to feel confident i'm tuned enough to come back and do it again whenever I like."

I'm looking forward to the part when my friends here will say, "You know, New York will always be there. You can go home to your little country house in the hills of northern california, and when you get bored or tired of it, or feel like it's just not doing it for you, you can always come back. New York won't change on you. It'll still be expensive as hell, and it will force you to MOVE YOUR ASS from the moment you step foot off the plane." It will always be there. Ready to kick the ass of anyone who needs an ass kicking, and every street, every avenue will hold untold volumes of opportunity for the wiley and open minded folks willing to divine the information. Anyone with a dream to chase, or a chip on their shoulder, or just something to prove to themselves, New York will be open for business and standing by. That's something that I can take comfort in knowing.

It's been a pleasure New York, and since i've made it here, Frank says i'm good to go anywhere there is to make it. I passed. (pet pet) So for now I just want to sit back with a nice glass of something from the Carneros region and reflect for just a moment (or three years).

Thank you, every last one of you. Even that old Son of a Bitch, Kevin Bacon. Thanks man. Themz was some good times.

dTown | 254am | 31˚ and snowing