Rearview

Man it's really interesting that 2k7. Off to a RIP SNORTIN' start. I tell you at this rate I can really just set my ass on the couch and watch. All the really hard decisions are being made FOR me for once, and I tell you, I'm not minding it one bit. Talk about "go with the flow" I may not like the taste of some of these shit sandwiches, but you at least I'm eating, and I'm definitely getting three squares a day. The nicest thing about when other people decide your fate for you, like, if your landlord sells the building you're living in, or your boss decides he'd rather you work somewhere else, or your girlfriend decides she'd rather be single, is that you really don't have to think. There's no point in worrying about whether you're doing the right thing or not. You just have to think about keeping your nose out of the water. That's it. Everything else will just continue to happen, regardless of how you react.

Like the other night, I was downstairs in the West 4th Street train station, and I saw a woman in a gleaming white snow parka, and I thought to myself, "No white after labor day." I don't know what the rule is, but it's just what came to mind when i saw that coat. And then, like a second later, this other girl came down the stairs wearing an all white ski suit. The pants, the boots, the jacket, all white. I laughed right out loud. I felt like the caveman in the Geico commercial when he shakes his head in disbelief. But then i looked up toward the north end of the West 4th stop, standing there waiting for a B, and I saw another kid coming my way in an all white Parka.

When the train finally came, there were two other people in there wearing white coats. And since that moment, i've seen at least five or six white coats a day. Makes sense to have an all white outfit for winter. You never know when we might catch a blizzard. You definitely want to be in a big fluffy white coat crossing broadway against the light in a blizzard. Totally makes sense. PLUS it's totally fashionable.

Looking backwards at the path that led me to here, I am surprised at how hard i've pushed to get right to where I am today. I am reminded of the olden days when all anyone wanted was to figure out a way to get me back to California. Whatever it took to get me there, to get me "happy" again would be the only sensible thing to do, no matter what the circumstances. Just get him there, and things will get back to normal again. It's not about smoking cigarettes or drinking tequila or eating zoloft or how hot your girlfriend is dTown. It's about being where you're built to be, so just get there.

That said, I believe that the gods have been conspiring to make that happen whether I was going to play along or not. And finally, I am no longer resisting. It's true, even the dialog in the in the "comments" section of this little blog are gently pushing in this direction. So I will liquidate my belongings and go back to where I belong.

For a moment, I was able to get caught up in the question of where I would go. Would I move to southern california, or Northern California? Well. Even those decisions are being answered and made FOR me, which is absolutely DELICIOUS, but in the good way. Not delicious like my job at the studio, which was the bad way.

If I were to move to where I prefer to be, it's Northern California. I just want to convalesce for a minute. To slow down. To meet the children of my childhood friends. And that is what i'm going to do. There really is nothing more for me to do. I am anxious to figure out what will fall into my lap next, but I am content in the knowledge that so far, 2007 is delivering everything the doctor ordered, and with a pretty little bow on top.

Finally the next chapter is beginning, and for once i'm going to just let go of the wheel and just stay on the gas, Ol' Michal Anderson once said that anytime her little car would lose control, all she had to do was let go of the wheel, and the car just corrected itself as though by magic, EVERY time. Well, it's been at least a dozen years since she told me that story, and though I felt I understood her meaning then, I am only now applying that mentality to my own life. It seems that each time I try to plan something out, to try and be mature about the longview, something comes up, some event occurs which completely fux my plan right in the poop hole. This time, i'm just going to go with it, all the way, and the irony is I feel more calm, more relaxed, and more confident that whatever was going to happen is still going to happen.

Stay tuned. I'm about to take a breath and go under. When I resurface, I expect to be standing in the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, and something tells me i'm going to be grinning from ear to ear.

Just the thought of it makes me smile broadly, even here in Trinidad, with no job, no bunny, and nothing in the bank to prove I earned these gray hairs all over my face.

This photograph here is a photo i took on christmas eve day. I was with my friend Misha, and we had been hiking in the hills with ol' Señor Verde, and I realized how much damage smoking cigarettes had done to my overall fitness, but there was a moment at the front of the hike, where we passed through these gates, and I was stricken by a wave of total happiness that completely overwhelmed me. I was smiling so wide that tears were streaming down from the corners of my eyes, and I couldn't even begin to express in words how happy i was to just be there, in california, at the base of a mountain, with the smell of the trees and the, the just... i don't know, the "california" of it all. There was nothing special about the scenery just there past the gate as you can see by the photograph. It's nothing special or outstanding in anyway, but even now i can look at that boring photograph and be immediately transported to what was absolutely one of the happiest moments i've had in the past 5 years altogether.

It only lasted for about 3 minutes, but the intensity of my happiness in that moment is still with me now. I wish there was a way to show in that one photograph what i felt as i was covering the terrain in that image. I will work on that when i get back home.

ah. i've been meaning to have these things happen for so long now, that even as they unfold in front of me, I have to wonder if it's all a dream, or what sort of wrench is even now flying right toward me at the speed of sound. It better be a big fucker if it plans to stop me.